Diving into the unexpected

...unknowingly, I already did my first December post. Uncanny.

Also. this is 100. Rather fast how time flies. A brief exploration of the past century in posts reveals a lot about who I am. Interesting to behold. Embarrassing to remember. The truth to accept. It's what I was that serves as the basis for the me now, as well as the future of me.

Of course, talking about the future me (I'm hoping he won't read this, but he probably will), we're talking of course about.... my expectations.

I no longer know if my aspirations are things that I myself truly desire, or if it's something grinded within my ganglia by society. Do I strive for success because it's something that I want, or is it because I'm afraid that I'll be looked down upon otherwise?

Without noticing, these societal norms are already bursting their way from my mouth. Casual things like the 'Asian fail' or the 'Caucasian fail'. When did these words become so common in my mind? When did it become expected that I could not possibly ever be accepted if I were to attain this so called Asian fail? How did I become the way I am now where an Asian becomes a failure if he's not an A student? These A's are no longer exceptional. It's expected that an Asian gets those A's and any less is deemed something to be laughed at.

How did my mind become so easily affected by such things? A few letters that take up less than a fifth of the alphabet using a few mathematics symbols? Numbers that a kindergarten kid can count? Thousands of pixels forming coherent words on some miniature screen? A fleeting thought faintly registering in my mind?

Why?

It's vexing, these expectations. Do I want to become an ophthalmologist? Do I want those A's? Do I want you? Or are these just needs? Things that I have to do because it just appears right?

It's not that I want to do well now. I need to do well. I have to do well. There is no exception to this. I can't fail. I can't be mediocre. Even if these things aren't within my control, they must occur this way. Because otherwise... what else do I have left?

...

These expectations are overwhelming.
Get A's.
Dress tidily.
Be a doctor.
Be polite.
Become your successor.
Maintain good hygiene.
Stop liking you.
Be healthy and fit.
Know the answer to everything.
Take everyone's feelings into account.
Be completely selfless.

... this weight is crushing. Me.
I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish.
I'm sorry that I'm so helpless. I'm sorry that I'm so useless.
In other news...
I'm sorry. For being me.
Rather unepic 100th post if you ask me.