..

Corruption.

I thought that, by knowing the hazards of manga, anime, dramas, series, and what not, that I wouldn't develop a mindset that would be obsessed with their nuances.

Looking back, I have completely failed in this respect. I only thought this with one respect, and neglected all the rest. How could I have ignored the complete effect of these things, and thought that I could somehow be able to resist being influenced by them? Did I never notice that I would spend unhealthy durations of time reading and watching? To the extent that I'd sacrifice sleep and study time just to find out what happens next? I fail completely here. And because of this complete failure, I bring about even more failures.


I've always thought that as long as you liked a person, that if that person also likes you back, everything will work out. Well. I'm wrong.

These past two years, culminating into the three hours of this morning. It's such a blur. Maybe it was early. Maybe I don't want to really remember. But what stands out in stark contrast, is what we finished with.

Paraphrasing may occur.

"Do you think I'm a person worth waiting for?"
"Are you willing to wait for me?"

Yes and yes. Why was I so hesitant with the second question? Is it just a reflection of my resolve, one that is so easily broken by a simple question? The future is uncertain, as is who I will become in that time. I... don't want to make you a promise that I am unsure of if I can keep. Even to this point. I fail.

You are absolutely correct. The me who is with you is vastly different from the me who is with my other friends. Maybe I'm not who you think I am. Maybe I'm not who I think I am either. But if it is so, if for some miraculous reason, I am still destined to be with you, then this is something that I will definitely improve on. Whenever we meet next, the next time we can talk again like we do now, I want the me to be me. I want the me to become someone that is worthy of being with you, in heart, mind, and soul.

This corrupted me by manga and such. I am split between what my mind thinks and what my heart desires. To what extent is it that my feelings are guiding me? To what extent is it that what I am doing, am only doing so that my mind can achieve the idealization molded by these influences? How do I know if all this time, after the first rejection, that I didn't just go on for the sake of this drama, and nothing else, when it was some sort of joke to begin with?

What we ended with. Those very last words. K'dee. I say from the bottom of my heart.